“I missed the bus . . . nothing ever goes my way.”

“My math teacher wants to see me . . . I must be in trouble.”

These are the thoughts of a high school student named Jeremy. You wouldn’t know it from his thoughts, but Jeremy is actually pretty popular and gets decent grades. Unfortunately, in the face of adversity, Jeremy makes a common error; he falls into “thought holes.” Thought holes, or cognitive distortions, are skewed perceptions of reality. They are negative interpretations of a situation based on poor assumptions. For Jeremy, thought holes cause intense emotional distress.

Although all kids blow things out of proportion or jump to conclusions at times, distorting reality is not innocuous. Studies show that thought holes can provoke self-defeating ideas (i.e., “I’m a loser”) that trigger self-defeating emotions (i.e., pain, anxiety, malaise) that, in turn, cause self-defeating actions (i.e., acting out, skipping school). Left unchecked, inaccurate thoughts can also lead to more severe conditions, such as depression.

Fortunately, with a brief social and emotional learning lesson, we can teach students how to fill in their thought holes and view the world in a more accurate light. The lesson begins with an understanding of what causes distortions of reality. Continue reading on Edutopia.com

The technical definition

Flow is the mental state in which a person is engaged in an activity where they are fully immersed with a feeling of  energized focus, involvement, and success in the process of the activity.

Huh, what does that mean?

You have undoubtedly been in a flow state before. Athletes call it “being in the zone,” mystics call it “ecstacy,” and artists call it “rapture.” It’s when you stop thinking and just do. A champion chess player gets into a flow state when he/she is playing a game of chess against a grand master. A concert pianist gets into a flow state during a performance. Warren Buffet gets into a flow state when he is deciding whether or not to purchase a stock.

Flow is when you are completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.” ~Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Conditions for flow

Flow cannot be forced, but you can set up some ideal conditions for flow to occur. Flow occurs when you engage in an activity which exists between the boundary of boredom and anxiety. The task you take on cannot be too challenging that you feel anxious; nor can it be too easy, that you feel bored. If you find an activity with the perfect level of challenge, you may find your flow.

Indications that you are in flow

1. Time becomes irrelevant and hours can pass like minutes.
2. You aren’t thinking about yourself, only your activity.
3. You aren’t interrupted by extraneous thoughts such as what to make for dinner.
4. While you may be working toward an ultimate goal, you find the activity itself to your primary motivation.
5. You have control over what you are doing.
6. You work effortlessly.
7. You would like to repeat the experience.

Why is flow awesome for you?

Research shows that flow experiences enhance well-being. Flow can also produce improved performance in various domains including teaching, learning, athletics and artistic creativity. Think about the last time that you lost track of time.  What were you doing?  Preparing dinner?  Singing in the shower?  Reading a book?  Find your flow and help your youthlings find theirs as well.

Throughout middle school, I was best friends with a very ambitious, very talented girl. As her ever present side-kick, I followed her many places. One spring, I even followed her on stage for our school talent show. I voiced my doubts, but she said that she could absolutely not do it alone. So I acquiesced.

Angela had a brave, rippling voice, an unshakable stage presence, and sparkling features. While I was a sweet girl, I had no singing voice; nor much stage presence at the time. So you can imagine my dismay when, of the two microphones we were handed, mine was the only one that functioned.

I realized the dilemma as soon as we started singing, but I kept going. I got through the choreography, kept singing, and Angela accompanied me as best she could. Still, my absurd notes rose above hers, and my red-hot humiliation followed suit. In that moment of mortification, I felt destined to be an outcast.

I almost didn’t make it to school the next day. I ended up going and decided to lie low. After a while, I noticed something. The more that people laughed about what had happened, the more I felt connected to them. I laughed with them. By laughing together, they proved to me that no matter how lame I felt, I was still a part of them. If I had remained hidden away, I never would have given myself the chance to feel anything other than separate.

Sometimes half the work of getting over an embarrassing incident is simply feeling the embarrassment, and giving voice, gesture, and laughter to it. This helps us reconnect with everyone else. My acknowledgement of what happened made me feel that I was one with my peers again.

What does the research say?

Researchers on the subjects of both embarrassment and shame posit you can actually amp up your resistance to these incidents by uncovering what has been covered up. Here are some basic techniques to do just that:

1. Understand your feelings: Uncover your feelings to yourself, for your own viewing. Think deeply about the causes and events which led to your embarrassment, seeking to understand the situation as if from outside yourself.
2. Think from an outside perspective: Seeing the wider picture can help you to judge whether or not the wrongs you committed are ones which truly trap you into feeling embarrassed. Embarrassment is sometimes (not always) unnecessary, and you need not live your life as prisoner to it. To see whether this is true, try these tricks to open up your perspective on the issue:
   1. It’s a common mistake: Seeing the wider story can often reveal that yours is a mistake made by many, and this can act as a great starting point for finding the courage to uncover your embarrassment or shame to others.
   2. It’s only embarrassing in certain social settings: Taking an objective point of view can reveal that some things are embarrassing only within the group you are currently surrounded by. In this case, there may be others outside this group who will understand you. If you find that your embarrassment is only valid in certain social circles, perhaps you should question whether continuing the feeling is even logical.
   3. Who’s the judge: Looking at the issue from outside yourself can help you examine the standards by which you are judging your mistake. Every mistake is simply a failure to live up to a set of expectations you have for yourself, or that others have for you. It is important to discover who you believe you are disappointing, what the rules were that you broke, as well as what high standards you did not achieve.
3. Talk to others: Look around yourself and figure out who you will go to in moments of embarrassment. This is someone who trusts you enough to tell you their own secrets, because that way you will feel more comfortable trusting this person with yours. Perhaps at first it may seem that there is no one, but search widely and there is always someone who needs someone to talk to.
4. Learn the vocabulary: When we do venture into the scary moment of releasing our darkest secrets for another to hear, use specific vocabulary in expressing the story. If we lump embarrassment or shame in with other emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness, we risk confusing ourselves, and diminishing the opportunity to fix the true problem at hand.

My embarrassing moment on stage was one that passed in a few days as I laughed over the event, an action which acknowledged my own embarrassment, rather than hiding it. Everyone suffers from shame or embarrassment in their lives. When you keep in mind these feelings are universal, there is no longer any reason to hide.

The theory of emotional intelligence gained traction in 1983, when Howard Gardner published his theory of multiple intelligences. Gardner argued that traditional IQ measures focus too much on academic abilities and fail to assess other important competencies. He promoted the ideas of interpersonal intelligence (the ability to understand and relate to others) as well as intrapersonal intelligence (the capacity to understand and regulate one’s feelings and motivations). Several researchers, including Daniel Goleman, later developed these ideas to create the concept of emotional intelligence, which refers to a person’s ability to identify, understand, and modulate emotions–both one’s own feelings as well as the emotions of others.

It seems intuitive that emotional intelligence is just as important as traditional intelligence. Yet, with the current focus on raising standardized test scores and improving school performance, teachers are under increasing pressure to focus on reading, mathematics, science, and other “core subjects.” The time has come to shift the focus. Raising emotional intelligence in students can lead to better academic outcomes, safer learning environments, and improved behavior in children.

Developing Emotional Intelligence in the Classroom

Teachers can try the following techniques in the classroom to help students cultivate emotional intelligence.

1. Identify emotions. Most students have rich emotional lives, but they may lack the vocabulary to adequately describe their feelings. Ask probing questions to get students to acknowledge their emotions. For example, “Are you really feeling angry right now, or are you hurt that Emily said mean things to you?”
2. Validate feelings. Ask questions about how a student is feeling, and say “I can understand why you feel that way. I would be frustrated too if I was having trouble with that math problem.” This promotes empathy, compassion, and concern for others.
3. Empower students to create solutions. Instead of instructing students on what they “should” do, allow them to resolve problems on their own. Asking, “What would help you feel better?” gives the student a chance to identify his feelings, determine his emotional needs, and enact a solution. These problem-solving skills promote knowledge of own’s emotions as well as consideration of others’ feelings.

Promoting emotional intelligence is just one part of employing SEL in an educational setting, but it has the potential to dramatically change classroom dynamics.

The generation gap between parents and their children often leaves one thought on the minds of children: You don’t know what it’s like!

As adults, it’s easy to forget the trials and tribulations of childhood. This often leads to a disconnection such as the one portrayed in the scenario above. While not seeing eye-to-eye is par for a parent-child relationship, continued disconnections can lead to a larger rift. One resolution is to increase the empathy in your relationship with role-playing.

It may seem silly at first, but role-playing can open up new and unexpected dialogue between your and your kids. Role-playing allows open communication without real vulnerability or threat. In other words, it creates a safe space where dialogue and feelings open up. Start with small, simple scenarios and progress to more issues as time goes on.

Watch the video above to learn more!

While school can be a positive social experience for many children, for others it can be a nightmare.

School is not only a place where children learn reading, writing and math. It is also a place where they learn to get along with other people and develop social skills. Social skills are the skills we need to interact adaptively in our cultural environment. Although students don’t get grades on social tests from their teachers, their peers are constantly giving them “grades” on “social tests” every day. If a child does well on these “tests”, he is apt to be well liked and happy. He will enjoy school and look forward to coming to school. If a child fails these tests, she is apt to feel disconnected and left out.

“Failing a social test can be more painful to a child than failing a reading or science test.”

Failing a social test can be more painful to a child than failing a reading or science test. For some children, social skills can be the hardest subject to pass in school. Social skills play a very important role in a child’s emotional health and well-being. Without friendships, school can be a very unhappy, lonely place that a child might want to avoid.

Children are born with innate social competencies just as they are born with other innate strengths and weaknesses in abilities such as attention, memory, language and motor skills. Weakness in these other skills can negatively affect a child’s social competency. For example, children who have attentional problems may have trouble listening and attending in conversations, be unable to inhibit the impulse to talk or say things at inappropriate times. Children with memory problems may have difficulty following a conversation because they cannot remember what was just said. Children with language and communication difficulties are especially vulnerable to social problems. They may have difficulty keeping up with the pace of a conversation, especially when there is a group of children talking. Children with autism and Asperger’s syndrome are especially ill equipped to deal with social situations.

Social Status at School

Just as with other abilities, children vary widely in how well they are able to form friendships and gain peer acceptance. Because students grade each other, children gain different levels of social status at school. Social status represents the child’s standing or position relative to other members of the class.

Some children are well endowed with social skills. They are popular and very well liked by all or most of their peers. Some seem to have a knack for making friends and getting along with others. They are very friendly and outgoing and always seem to be at ease around people. Other children are popular because they are on the school football team, play in a band, can draw very well or are really good-looking. Popular students are typically the leaders at school. They are self-confident and influential.

Many students are not really considered popular but are pretty well liked by their peers and have a number of friends. This group of children usually comprises the majority of the students in a class. These likeable children feel good about how they relate to others but may, at times, worry about what their classmates think of them.

Some children are shy, quiet and timid. They may have one or two close friends but not a large group of friends. While other students like them, they do not get involved in many activities in or out of school. They tend to feel awkward or uncomfortable around people they don’t know very well. Shy children usually aren’t unhappy about how they get along with others but wish that they could feel more comfortable and be more involved. Some shy children become anxious in social situations.

Other students are ignored or unnoticed by their peers. No one really dislikes or likes them. These children are not the ones picked first for activities, but they are not the ones that are teased or bullied either. They are usually social adept. Some of these children don’t like being ignored but others don’t mind because they are more interested in solitary activities or prefer interactions with adults more than with peers.

The children who have the most social difficulty at school are those that are rejected by their peers. Other children really don’t like them and may not treat them well. Rejected children are those that are picked on, laughed at, talked about, teased and bullied. They are widely disliked, excluded from activities and may be ostracized by their peers.

Another group of children are viewed in varying ways by different students. Some students like them a lot, others ignore them and others reject them. They are considered controversial.

Children are rejected by their peers for many reasons. It may be hard to like them because of their misbehavior. They seem mean and may bully other students, get into fights, act out in class or frequently get into trouble. Aggressive children have little idea of how their disruptive behavior affects their relationships with others. Other children are rejected because they are withdrawn, passive and anxious in the presence of their peers. They spend much of their time in isolation. Other children are rejected because they are different. They may look different, dress differently or learn differently. Their clothes, haircut or mannerisms may not match the current vogue. They may be “klutzes”, short, overweight or have a physical handicap. They may have trouble learning in the same ways as most children and be thought of as dumb or stupid. Unfortunately, these children are often the targets of teasing and bullying by more popular and socially accepted students.

“Some children are shy, quiet and timid. They may have one or two close friends but not a large group of friends. While other students like them, they do not get involved in many activities in or out of school.”

Sometimes popular students may find that they can enhance their social status by leading the offense against children with social skill problems. Other students who want to gain the favor of popular students willingly collaborate against their rejected classmates, only increasing the humiliation and despair that rejected students feel. Adults in their roles as parents, teachers and school administrators should intervene swiftly when they see vulnerable children become the targets for more socially adept children.

While it can be a problem to have no friends in school, it can also be a problem to need friends too much. Many children who are rejected by their peers are unhappy. They feel alone and believe that no one cares about them. Some view acting out as their only way to get the attention they desire from others. In their minds, getting negative attention is better than getting no attention at all. Some children who are rejected by their peers are so desperate to be liked that they will do anything to be accepted. They may join gangs, use drugs and even commit crimes to gain peer acceptance and a sense of belonging in a group. Being accepted by a group is the only way that these children can feel good about themselves. They cannot tolerate social isolation and are terrified of being left out.

Other children don’t mind being left out sometimes and don’t need to be liked by everyone. They believe that not everyone needs or wants to be popular. Some children want to be different and should be admired for their individuality and willingness to be who they are. These children are not socially inept and are usually not the targets of teasing or bullying.

Communication Skills

Good social skills require good communication skills. Because we communicate verbally and nonverbally, both of these types of skills contribute to how well students relate to their peers. Children with language problems often have trouble socially because they have difficulty understanding the words that other children use and/or putting their ideas into words to express these ideas to others. They can’t find the right words to use or easily put them together in a way that makes sense. They may have trouble understanding or telling jokes. They may not know the current jargon or idioms that their peers use. They may also have trouble keeping up the pace of conversations, particularly in a group. It is hard for them to jump into a conversation.

Other children, who may have good language skills, have trouble with nonverbal communication. They can’t “read” body language, facial expressions or tone of voice. These children interpret words literally and may miss the majority of the intended communication. Much of accurate communication depends on nonverbal cues and gestures. To communicate competently, a child must be able to process the whole message sent by another and integrate the verbal and nonverbal components of the message.

Children with verbal and nonverbal communication difficulties often resort to temper tantrums or “meltdowns” to communicate emotions such as anger and frustration. They may appear uncooperative, fresh or rude and may be called oppositional and/or defiant. Helping these children improve their communication skills can greatly improve their social skills and level of peer acceptance.

Social Skills

Social inability can be a lifelong problem. Therefore it is imperative that social skill deficits be identified early and addressed in much the same way as we identify and address children’s learning problems because social incompetence can be more debilitating and detrimental to success in life than learning problems.

There are several types of social skills that must be mastered for a child to be socially adept. These range from the ability to initiate, maintain and end a conversation to reading social signals to more complex skills such as solving problems and resolving conflict. The following examples represent some of the fundamental principles of relating well to others. Children with social skill deficits can be taught these skills directly by parents, teachers and/or professionals using the strategies of modeling, role-playing, rehearsal and practice.

• Greetings. Children develop relationships with peers by interacting with them. The first step in a social interaction is greeting someone. We not only greet others with words like “Hi!” or “How are you?” but with facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures such as a nod or a wave. Children with social inability may not say hello to people they know. They may walk right past them and not even look at them. If they do speak, they may not make eye contact and may simply look down at the floor. If they do say hello, it might not be in a very friendly tone of voice or with a smile. The nonverbal parts of greeting someone are just as important as the words. It’s not so much what you say but how you say it that lets people know you are glad to see them.

• Initiating Conversation. After you have greeted someone, you usually have a conversation with them. In order to carry on a conversation, a child must be able to initiate the conversation, maintain it and close it appropriately. This requires good listening and attentional skills, as well as the ability to take turns and probe for missing information. Sometimes children cannot think of anything to talk about. When you can’t think of anything to say, it can be good to ask the other person a question. The question can be about them or what they think about a movie or event that everyone is talking about. Sometimes when children don’t know what to say, they begin by talking about themselves or about something that the other person is not interested in. If they keep talking without giving the other person an opportunity to enter the conversation, or if they keep talking about themselves or something uninteresting to the other person, the person is likely to get tired of listening. He may walk away and even avoid future conversations with the child. Being a good conversationalist requires turn-taking and reciprocity. You have to listen as well as talk. If you don’t show an interest in what the other person has to say, he probably won’t be interested in talking to you. Impulsive children often have trouble knowing when to talk and when to listen.

• Understanding the Listener, Part I. Once a conversation is initiated, in order to maintain it, it is important to understand the audience you are talking to. Children with social inability often have difficulty adapting what they say to their listener. A socially adept child quickly and unconsciously identifies and categorizes his listener, measures what she planned to say against the anticipated response of the listener, and then proceeds, alters or avoids what she had planned to say. She knows that you don’t talk to authority figures in the same way that you talk to peers. Socially inept children can’t change their words or tone of voice to match their audience. For example, saying goodbye to a teacher with “Catch you later, dude!” would be inappropriate and could result in a detention. Adults often call children who have problems reading their audience disrespectful. Other students may view them as strange if they use stiff and formal language that is more suitable to conversations with adults than peers. A misread of the listener often leads to a misunderstood message and potential social rejection.

• Understanding the Listener, Part II. To converse in a socially appropriate manner, children must be able to take the perspective or point of view of the other person, i.e., think the way they think. To do this a child must pretend that he is the listener and think about what he needs to hear to understand what is being said. For example, a child might say, “I finally got finished.” and not provide the details of what he started. Many children assume that other people think and feel the way that they do. These children may appear insensitive and selfish, although this is not their intent. They may also appear “dingy” because they seem to be coming from another planet when they speak. When your audience has to guess what you are talking about, they are apt to feel uncomfortable and may be reluctant to converse with you.

• Empathizing. Empathy is similar to perspective taking but means that you are able to feel what the other person feels. Empathy allows you to really connect with other people. For example, if a student got an A on a math test and her friend got a D, she wouldn’t brag about her A to her friend because she knows it will make her feel bad because she didn’t do well. She could empathize with her by saying something like “That’s a bummer.” Other children often think of children who lack empathy as mean, unkind or self-centered.

• Reading Social Cues. It is very important to read social cues in a conversation. Cues are the hints and signals that guide us to the next thing to say or do. Social cues can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal cues are the words that the other person is saying. Tone of voice is an important part of verbal cues. For example, “Oh, great!” can mean that something is really terrific, or if said sarcastically, can mean that something is awful. Nonverbal cues are things that we see rather than hear in a conversation, such as body language and facial expressions. For example, if a friend’s facial expression changes from a smile to a frown and his body gets stiff when you are talking about a new CD that you bought, you might want to change the topic or ask him if what you said upset him. Good detectives pay very close attention to nonverbal cues.

• Previewing. Conversations also require that you preview or think about what effect your words or actions may have on your listener before you say or do them. If you think that the impact will be negative, you can adjust what you might say or do. Impulsive children often have trouble with previewing and are unable to stop and think before they say or do something. For example, if a group of children was talking about the football game last week, it would be inappropriate to interject a sentence about the math exam next week. When you walk in on the middle of a conversation, it is always a good idea to listen for a few minutes before entering the conversation. If your friends were complaining about not being able to drive their parents’ cars to the dance on Friday, it wouldn’t win any points with them to say, “Get real! Did you really think that your parents would let you take their car to the dance?” Doing this would be tactless and insensitive.

• Problem-solving. Problems and conflict are often a part of social interactions. Someone may not agree with you, get angry at something you say, insult you or become aggressive toward you. How you react to these conflicts depends on how good your problem solving skills are. Children who are not good social problem solvers have trouble settling conflicts and disagreements. They get mad easily and may not speak to someone because they are mad at them. It has to be “their way or the highway”. They always want to win no matter what the cost, even if that means losing a friend. It often also means making an enemy, which creates additional social problems. Conflicts cannot be avoided and are often necessary to “clear the air”. Turning a conflict from a “win-lose” situation to a “win-win” situation is the best way to resolve conflict. This requires negotiation and compromise, give and take, but results in a situation that all parties can live with and helps maintain friendships.

• Apologizing. Everyone makes social mistakes at one time or another. A person with good social skills is confident enough to make a sincere apology for his error.
  This is a courageous act and is the quickest and easiest way to correct a social blunder. Children with weak social skills may have trouble saying they are sorry because they can’t lose face. They are afraid that others may see them as weak. They might also be too proud, or feel stupid or foolish if they apologize. In reality, other people usually have a higher opinion of someone who apologizes for making a mistake.

Teaching Social Skills

Children with verbal and nonverbal learning disabilities often have social problems at school. These children struggle academically and socially. While schools address children’s learning problems, they often neglect children’s social needs and rely on parents and/or professionals to handle these problems. A lack of social skills and the inability to connect with others, form friendships and resolve conflicts can lead to more failure and distress for students than academic problems can.

“Parents typically play the major role in teaching children social skills.”

• How Parents Can Help. Parents typically play the major role in teaching children social skills. Many children acquire social skills on their own. They don’t really need help. For children who do need help, there are many good self-help books on the market to assist parents in improving their child’s social abilities. Parents can directly teach social skills by modeling, role-playing and providing opportunities for their child to rehearse and practice new skills. Parents should encourage and praise the child for successfully using a new skill. Professionals typically intervene only when children are having substantial social difficulty with peers. These individuals can implement structured, guided and effective programs that often involve group work with peers. Children must then generalize the skills they learn in the group to school and other personal social situations.

• How Teachers Can Help. School is the place that children spend the majority of their time with peers. It is, therefore, a natural and perfect setting for children to learn and practice social skills. While teachers don’t have to teach a class in social skills, they can take advantage of every opportunity to help children improve their social skills. They should be alert to teasing and bullying and aware of children that are rejected or ignored by their peers. They should work cooperatively with the children’s parents to prevent the humiliation, embarrassment and distress that befall these children. Teachers can be valuable facilitators in helping children gain social competency. Pairing a socially inept child with a socially adept child, involving children in cooperative instead of competitive learning exercises, identifying and acknowledging the strengths of all children, understanding social weaknesses and creating an environment in which diversity is accepted and celebrated can greatly enhance all children’s social abilities, sense of belongingness and self-esteem not just in the classroom but in life.

This wonderful article was reprinted with permission from the Center for Development and Learning  - www.cdl.org

The teacher walks about and smiles form around the room, dreams begin to crystallize. She too smiles – she knows visualizing one’s best future self is a sure-fire recipe for an instant lift of mood. How does she know? This exercise has been researched!

Several researchers have studied a version of this exercise where participants take twenty minutes for three to four consecutive days to write descriptions of their best possible selves in the future. The subjects wrote in story form, imagining wonderful outcomes and articulating their most cherished inner wishes.

The results of this simple exercise are nothing short of astonishing. Writing these narratives can increase clarity of goals, feelings of control, and even improve performance at tasks. What’s more is participants experience an immediate boost in mood and a lingering sense of well-being for up to several weeks after!

For a parent looking to interest an unmotivated adolescent, a teacher looking for an innovative writing assignment, or a mentor trying to inspire a young friend, asking someone to take twenty minutes to write a narrative about his or her most idealized future self can bring enormous benefits.

In the GoStrengths! program, Neutrino empowers students with the GoForth! tool where they are able to travel to their future lives. Children love this superpowered tool as it acts both to enhance the enjoyment of the exercise and serves as a great mnemonic to practice the exercise outside of the classroom.

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.” ~Michael Jordan

Growing up, I wanted to be just like my older brother. He was a whiz in school, a tennis prodigy, and had oodles of friends. As I saw it, my brother was great at everything. Although I loved him dearly, I grew tired of living in the shadow of his eminence. So at the ripe age of 7, I made a decision. I too was going to achieve greatness. The plan was simple: find one thing at which to beat my brother.

My quest began on a Sunday afternoon. It was family day in the Jain household, and we decided to go miniature golfing. I’d never played before, but when I saw that the equipment consisted of little silver sticks and white dimpled balls I knew it couldn’t be that difficult.

I grabbed my gear and ran out to the first hole. With sweaty palms and a pulsing heart, I wound up and smashed the ball! I watched as it forcefully rolled down the green, past the hole, over the plastic enclosure, and into the parking lot. The ball was lost, and I followed suit. I took my little silver stick and chucked it clear across the course, all the while screaming, “I QUITTTTTTTTTTT!”

Thus began my history of quitting. From piano to soccer to art class… I tried new things and at the slightest hint of adversity, I quit. The desire to outshine my brother and hurl objects in the face of defeat dissipated, yet my treacherous habit of quitting remained steady.

What was wrong with me? Was I just a brat? Not really, I was actually quite a loving and affectionate child. I simply wanted to find something where I could excel, something to call my own. The problem was that I lacked a vital skill. In pursuit of my goals, I lacked the mental fortitude to withstand challenges. I lacked grit.

A really brief history of Grit

Thirty-odd years after the mini-golf debacle, I met renowned researcher and psychologist Angela Duckworth. I was immediately captivated by her work. You see, Duckworth was interested in why some succeeded while others did not. She was interested in the ingredients necessary for achievement. From my point of view, Duckworth was uncovering the difference between my brother and me growing up.

Early in her career, Duckworth taught math to middle and high school students. During that time, she made an obvious, yet profound observation: students who tried hard did better than students who didn’t try as hard. What role did “trying hard” or effort play in one’s success? This wonder led to her groundbreaking work.

After much research, Duckworth theorized that people who achieve great success – those at the top of their fields – have the qualities of dogged perseverance and sustained passion toward long term goals. She coined a term for this quality: grit. Duckworth believed grit could predict success above and beyond traditional metrics of intelligence such as IQ.

To test her theory, she developed a simple assessment called the Grit Scale. The scale requires people to rate themselves on statements such as, “I finish whatever I begin,” or “I have overcome setbacks to conquer an important challenge.” She took scale into the field, and what followed was remarkable.

In one study, low scores on the grit scale was a better predictor of which freshmen cadets at West Point would drop out by their first summer than an internally developed composite score made up of academic grades, physical fitness, and a leadership scores. In another study of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, grit predicted who would move on to the finals above and beyond IQ. In yet another study, grittier students at an elite university achieved higher grade point averages than their less gritty classmates despite having lower SAT scores. Dozens of similar studies made it clear: grit matters.

The revelations from this research are nothing short of astonishing. No longer are you stuck with intellect or raw talent as your core means for success. Perseverance and passion matter at least as much, if not more than other cognitive qualities. As I see it, grit is a tool that levels the playing field – a tool for the underdog. A tool I wish I had as a child.

How I found my Grit

While I didn’t have access to grit research growing up, I did have the good fortune of working with a teacher who taught me some of the same core principles.

By age 12, I’d left behind hundreds of activities, clubs, and hobbies in my dusty trail of abandonment. The one thing I hadn’t given up on was starting anew! My latest undertaking was a reading club. As I sat through the first meeting, I realized everyone was older than me, exploring books well above my reading level. I decided I’d stick with it for at least a week.

I came back the second week with my copy of The Count of Monte Cristo marked up with multiple passages I didn’t understand. After the meeting, I approached the group leader, Mrs. Johnson, ready to launch into my standard I-need-to-quit speech.

Before I could speak, Mrs. Johnson said, “I know you’re little younger than everyone here, but you can do this. Stick with it for a few weeks.”

“Well, I just don’t think… I just didn’t really get… I’m busy at school, see…”

“Renee,” she interrupted, “What exactly are you afraid of?” I decided not to answer. But Mrs. Johnson was good, she used a Jedi mind-trick that teachers like to use – silence.

Two minutes later, I squeaked, “Failing. I guess.”

“And what exactly does that mean… failing?”

I stammered for a while and finally said, “It means not being able to keep up and getting really frustrated because it’s too hard and then wanting to quit.” And then I told her my big secret, “Mrs. Johnson, I’m just not that good at anything. I fail… a lot.”

That was when Mrs. Johnson said something I will never forget, “Renee, listen to me very closely. I’m going to tell you something my father taught me growing up. The only way we can ever fail in life – the only way – is by not trying. Everything else can be overcome with a little hard work and some good old-fashioned sweat.”

I worked with Mrs. Johnson each week after reading club. She never minimized my frustrations; instead, she showed me practical techniques to take breaks and then persevere. She helped me plow through what is now one of my all-time favorite books and ignited my life-long passion for reading. But beyond this, Mrs. Johnson tapped into a strength that resides within all of us. Mrs. Johnson helped me find my grit. In this, she changed the trajectory of my life.

Passing on Grit

If I had one outrageous wish, it would be for all children to have a Mrs. Johnson by their sides. Since I haven’t figured out how to clone her (yet!), I try to pass these skills on myself. One of the skills that kids love to learn about is grit. Below are a few methods I use to help kids embrace the core principles of grit:

• Grit exists: The simple awareness of the existence of grit excites students. They LOVE to hear that aside from raw intellect, there is something which can catapult them toward their goals. Interestingly, even kids as young as 6 or 7 like to hear about the studies on grit.
• Learn grit by example: Kids are engaged by the story of Michael Jordan as an exemplar of grit. Jordan was initially cut from his high school basketball team. Instead of giving up, he decided he would practice longer and harder than any kid who made the team. The next year, he made the cut.
• Focus on the process: Taking a page out of Carol Dweck’s research, students can learn to enjoy the journey toward their goals. Focusing on the process can increase both the effort students make in working toward goals as well as their resilience in overcoming obstacles.
• Use mental contrasting: Kids enjoy daydreaming about the future which may be why they like mental contrasting exercises! Students envision a desired future goal as well as possible obstacles which may pop up while pursuing that goal. When a goal is feasible, this type of mental contrasting can boost goal commitment.

What about you?

I’d love to hear how grit has played a role in your life. Do you have a story of finding your grit? Please share!

Kids are faced with hundreds of choices each day. What should I wear today? Which way should I walk to school? What condiment should I put on my sandwich? Who should I play with? What should I be when I grow up? Decisiveness is a vital life skill – one you can teach your children.

In the short clip above, Sam has a hard time deciding what to order at Bubba Burger. He’s comparing and contrasting each choice; he even envisions making a decision (getting a burger) and then anticipates regretting that choice. Anticipatory regret is a hallmark of those who are indecisive, but we’ll come back to that in a bit.

Once in a while, everyone suffers from the indecision blues or the psychological burden of making the optimal choice. This is perfectly normal. It’s when your child’s decision making consistently becomes a painful, drawn-out process that there is cause for concern. Recurring indecision is a debilitating trait. In the long-term, it can negatively affect well-being, life satisfaction, and success in relationships and work. So how do you teach your child to be an effective decision maker? Raise a satisficer, not a maximizer.

Maximizers versus Satisficers

The terms “maximizer” and “satisficer” were coined in the 1950s by researchers studying decision-making strategies. Simply defined, maximizers want to maximize or make the optimal choice regarding any decision while satisficers are satisfied with what they consider to be good enough. Most people fall into one category or the other.

It’s pretty easy to recognize a maximizer (you might be one yourself)! When it comes to making a decision, maximizers research and evaluate as many options as possible. When a maximizer has to buy a new phone, for example, they find a store and diligently obsess over the specifications of every phone and every plan. They ask the sales rep to explain the benefits and pitfalls of each. They go home and rinse and repeat these steps online.

Thereafter, the maximizer might spend weeks in different stores, poring over review sites, asking friends and family for their opinion… you get the picture.  In the end, an awesome spreadsheet emerges to help extract the absolute maximum value for the pending choice. This is when the real fun begins.

Before making the purchase, the maximizer envisions choosing one of the options and frets over regretting that option. What if I get the new iPhone, but then a new, better Blackberry comes out? That would kill me! (This is anticipatory regret.) Under duress and still dubious, the maximizer finally decides.

After making the purchase, the maximizer constantly wonders if the phone they chose is the right one. (This is post-decision regret.) They dwell in the regret of all the choices they didn’t make. Two months later when a better phone is released, the maximizer fantasizes about upgrading. In fact, maximizers tend to hold onto receipts, so going through the process again is usually an option. Now, does this process seem optimal?

A satisficer, on the other hand, thinks about what kind of phone they need. They might surf the web or take a short trip to the store to check out what’s out there. The satisficer then evaluates a few possibilities which meet their requirements and chooses from the pool of options. There is little comparing and contrasting afterward, and the satisficer ends up being pretty happy with the decision.

Those who lean toward maximizing decisions find the methods of a satisficer flimsy. In fact, it’s been said the word satisficer is a combination of  the words “satisfying” and “sacrificing.” Maximizers wonder why any sacrifice needs to be made when it comes to decisions. The irony is that maximizers tend to ignore the biggest sacrifices they make: the cost of their time, effort, and emotional pain invoked by pre- and post-purchase regret.

While maximizers do not intend to make their lives more difficult, research shows maximizing or self-imposed pressure of having to make perfect decisions results in lower life satisfaction. In the end, satisficing may in fact be the optimal decision-making strategy.

How do you raise a satisficer?

Be aware. Pay attention to how your child makes decisions. Identify their tendencies of maximizing or satisficing. Awareness is the first step in helping a child make more efficient and satisfying decisions.

Choose from 3 options. In Barry Schwartz’s book Paradox of Choice, he states more is not necessarily better when it comes to choices. In fact, the greater the number of options, the greater the tendency to maximize a decision. When faced with a large or complicated array of choices, help your child narrow it down to 3 options from the get-go.

Express gratitude for choices already made. Reduce pre- and post-purchase regret by teaching your child to express gratitude for recent choices they’ve made. Have them write down a few good things they appreciate about their choices-set aside a few minutes each night for gratitude time.

Remember, satisficing is a skill which will serve your child in every domain of their life. As Barry Schwartz, psychologist and author of the Paradox of Choice, says, “The most important thing is to learn that good enough is almost always good enough.”

Cross posted from TechLearning Magazine: Ken Royal is a teacher/education reporter whose teaching accomplishments include: 4-time district teacher of the year, Connecticut Middle School Teacher of the Year, and Bill and Melinda Gates award for Technology School of Excellence. Read more of Ken’s work at Royal Reports.

I’m sure most educators will agree that when they think back on those special times in their careers, where and when they made a difference, it was probably at the most challenging. For me, it was when disinterested students, who were mostly disruptive in other classes, didn’t want to leave my class when the bell rang. Keying in on those students, getting them to think positively about themselves and what they could do, just made my day—year—and career. In most cases, it changed more for the students. When students have the idea of self-worth, there are no boundaries—and that feeling carries over to other classrooms, the entire school environment, and to life.

I remember having guidance staff walk into my classes with these prepared posters once or twice a year—and sometimes when something awful occurred—and students needed an extra talk. I was usually left with those posters for wall hanging, and many times had to share them with my teaching team. The posters and talks, associated with them, usually involved some vocabulary and the same set of things to do for every student. I couldn’t help thinking that if students were all the same, maybe that would work, but my students were all different, and changing by the moment—and the day. What worked in that contained-half hour guidance talk didn’t carry over, or follow students—as they walked out my classroom door.

I love the idea of a school leader beginning each day with a positive opening over the intercom system. The best principals I’ve worked for did it. And teachers starting and ending each class along the same themes with simple statements like, “Remember to be kind to each other today,” followed by an example of what that kindness could be, makes sense, especially to the general school audience. It can make positive schoolwide culture change. But students need individual mentoring as well. Most districts have goals to team up educators with students as mentors, but many would like more than that. How can it be done in this digital world our students naturally live in?

I was recently asking that question during a visit to New York City at a company called GoStrengths. Its Chief Storyteller, Renee Jain said, “GoStrengths is an interactive program that educates teachers, mental health professionals, parents and youth on the reason behind their feelings and reactions, as well as providing concrete tools to effectively change negative behaviors into a positive sense of well-being.”

According to the GoStrengths folks, “One of the best ways to prevent bullying is to focus on the social environment of the school. Creating a mindset where school professionals feel comfortable intervening when they see bullying, and providing tools to help each child understand their thoughts and emotional reactions to stand up to bullying.”

So what is GoStrengths, and how does it work and help to individualize a student’s emotional needs? “GoStrengths.com is a training tool kit that addresses how school professionals can teach life skills. The tool kit has individualized sessions for Professionals (GoAdultoids), Parents and Students (GoYouthlings). The same message is shared, however, it speaks to specific areas that each person is experiencing as they grow as or engage a Social Emotional Learner (SEL),” says Jain.

While we know that one thing can make a difference in a student’s school life and life outside of school, it most often is a combination of things. As educators we need to make those things as positive as we can, but also… [read more at techlearning.com]